How Strange
I, like many of you reading this, always felt a little bit… different.
Not quite like the other kids. Overlooked for the most part, and largely made fun of when noticed. You could almost always find my head buried in a book of adventure. And fantasy. And magic. And, for a long stretch- horror.
I felt alone and tried to make friends with anyone. Even the people who weren’t actually very nice to me (and maybe especially so). But, I reasoned I was lucky that they would let me play, or when we got older - hang. Who would want me around anyway? I was the chubby, freckled, bespectacled, clumsy awkward kid. And, now as an adult, I can admit I also had a mean streak (who else thinks about the stuff they wish they didn’t say or do over the last three decades with crippling anxiety until 2am?), and maybe, just maybe, that played a part in my loneliness.
Did I mention I had a rebellious streak as well? A contrarian at heart, for better or worse. Like most people, I didn’t filter many of my thoughts at a young age. And I was sad, mad, and… lost.
I argued with everyone over everything. You made a point? I had about 15 counterpoints flowing past my lips before I even realized what was going on. While this was not a great way to make connections with my peers, I have to admit- it was wickedly fun during Catholic CCD classes.
Besides my award-winning attitude growing up, another reason I’m here now is because of my religious upbringing. My father’s family is Catholic, my mother’s is Jewish. However, my direct Jewish family is not what you would call ‘practicing’. Meaning- we really only celebrated Chanukah and Passover, and I can’t even tell you when I realized those were Jewish holidays and not just the Christian holidays we happened to spend with Grandpa instead of Pop Pop. I want to say I was safely in middle school before I realized I was Jewish at all. My Mom converted to Catholicism when I was about 7 years old, but I don’t think I was really conscious of what she was converting from, or what that meant about me and my heritage. I would find my Judaism in college and am still discovering it now. All of that to say, I hated Catholic teachings. The nonsense they tried to shove down our throats as children in those classes was too much to bear. I was every teacher’s nightmare.
I was told to stop asking questions.
I was kicked out of classes. I couldn’t deal with the logical fallacies of the Catholic faith. While I sound like I was an insufferable person (and, oh, I was), I did also balance that with an incredible amount of love for the world, and for people as a whole (can you guess my signs yet?). I started to question my faith and Christianity as a whole. I went through a Buddhist phase, a Wiccan phase, and 180-ed all the way back to Jesus, but with my Baptist friends instead of my Catholic church (…what a rebel!). After getting confirmed Catholic in sophomore year of high school (because my dad cried when I said I didn’t want to), I cooled it on religion until college. I got more into having a boyfriend (who was gay and honestly kind of hated me), working behind the scenes of the fall dramas and spring musicals, and the nonsense of being a high school girl who was high-strung, confused about their sexuality [read: was crushing on with basically anyone with a pulse who looked at me], hiding an ED from almost everyone, and trying to find the will to… just continue on.
In college, I would start the real journey of trying to find myself. What I believed, who I wanted to become. While I won’t regale you with how many times I changed majors - I did eventually end up graduating with a double major in Philosophy and Religious Studies, then went on to get my Master’s in Jewish-Christian Studies. Philosophy, religion/spirituality/witchcraft, and how to be a good person have become my meaning of life. I lived so much of it regretting what I said and did—hurting myself, hurting others. As I type this, my throat tightens with sorrow, and my stomach sinks with shame. I wish I were a better person for my more formative years. I wish I were kinder. I wish I didn’t rush through things without thinking about how they may affect others. I’m grateful I’m not that person anymore… but so it goes. I live knowing I caused others unnecessary pain, and so I do better now.
And, like many of you still reading this, witchcraft found me again.
Magic was so important to me growing up. And, hey- let’s be real, like most Christians, I truly believed it was real. I read The Girl with the Silver Eyes and fully expected (as a girl who wore glasses and had pale blue-grayish eyes as well) my telekinetic powers to kick in. Everything I read and watched told me that I, too, would have powers, they just needed to be awakened. Or, I just needed that one accident, and I would be like Alex Mack. Magic was everywhere, from my mom’s Cosmo magazine (where we read our horoscopes, of course) to the Blood Cult that is the Catholic Church- and yet, no special powers for me. Not at eight, or ten, or sixteen. But, somewhere around 23, things started changing. (Cue Blink 182.)
One day, my sister bought me James R. Ead’s Prisma Vision tarot deck. Van Gogh is one of my favorite painters, so I think that’s what drew her to purchasing it for me. I was largely intimidated by it, and honestly didn’t touch it much the first few years I owned it. Eventually, I would get determined to use it and bought myself the Rider-Waite-Smith deck to learn on, figuring if I could learn to read the “real” deck, then I could understand how to read Prisma Vision.
I bought books, I found Biddy Tarot, I practiced on myself, my sisters, and my friends. I started posting on social media to give free (and then cheap $5) readings to my followers. I wanted to learn, I wanted to get better. I was, and am, so captured by Tarot’s ability to help. Help myself, help my friends, help people. The bunch of cardstock had these mystical healing powers that were so unknown to me, and I wanted to understand. I wanted to heal and be healed, and that is true Magic.
And listen, to me, there is no “gateway drug” like Tarot. Because Tarot is so malleable, it lends itself to layering philosophies, modalities, and symbolism of all kinds over the same 78 cards. It led me back to Judaism and toward Kabbalah (and Qabalah) so I could understand Tarot better. It showed me witchcraft so I could understand Tarot better. It showed me Herbalism and healing from the earth because I wanted to understand Tarot better. It guided me into deeper understandings of astrology and numerology so I could understand Tarot better. It showed me to alchemy and the hard sciences because I wanted to understand Tarot better. I’ve picked up maybe 100 books of all kinds that I am still reading, that I am still buying more of, because I want to understand Tarot better. I teach, and talk about Tarot to anyone and everyone, so I can learn about their perspectives, just in the name of wanting to understand Tarot better.
Yes, I am obsessed with Tarot, but only because it is an endless pursuit of knowledge. Knowledge of this plane, the other planes, myself, and others. To me, to try to understand Tarot is to try to understand existence. And, for me, that is worth all of this study, talk, and writing. The more I understand, the better I can be a steward of this world and for the people I care about. It excites me, and I hope it excites you, too.
I want to believe.
Magic is real, it just doesn’t look like what I thought. And, approaching my 40s now, I’ve learned that’s really the status quo. Nothing is what it seemed like when we were kids. While this sometimes leads me to a feeling that maybe I’m a big phony… most of the time, I believe in this magic that I’ve been fostering. I try to live as the Mulder to my Scully, which can be a bit maddening, but it keeps be grounded in a way that I need. For now. Maybe I’ll go full Fox one day, but that day is not today!
Mostly, I’d consider myself to be a slightly eclectic Kitchen Jewitch. I dabble in this and that, but my practice is simple and I infuse magic into as much as my life as I am conscious to. And who has the energy to be conscious 24/7? Can’t be me. I did a year apprenticeship with the great Herbalist Robin Rose Bennett and now see the world around me like I never did before. That’s to say, Herbalism, plants, and taking care of this here globe is a big part of me, too. Tikkum Olam, activism, and allyship are essential to my practice as a Jewitch. As someone who compartmentalizes, I tried to keep my politics out of my witchcraft. But that was a tool of my white privilege that I now chuck aside. Witchcraft is inherently political. And anyone who says otherwise doesn’t acknowledge their privilege to say it.
I look for magic in the unexpected now. I add magic to the unexpected. What’s what I hope to use this website to explore and do more of! If you picked up nothing else about me and my personality, I hope it’s that I am learning. I am a committed student. Yes, there’s a lot I know and I love sharing it, but the more I learn, the more I find that I don't know anything about! Now, that’s joy to me.
TL;DR: I was kind of an asshole growing up, but I was also teased/bullied so I didn’t think a lot about it until I was older. That mostly made me ashamed of who I was. I come from a Catholic/Jewish family. Ditched the Catholicism and am exploring my Judaism. I found witchcraft again in adulthood and have dedicated my life to be a better person and try to leave the world a kinder place than how I found it. Nice to meet ya.